February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month
Learn the difference between abusive and healthy relationships
By Teresa Clyne, Programs for Peaceful Living
Photo by KaLisa Veer on Unsplash
February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month (TDVAM). This annual campaign helps parents and teens to understand the difference between a healthy relationship and an abusive one.
“The repercussions of teen dating violence are impossible to ignore - the issue affects not just youth but their families, schools and communities as well,” according to the Teen Dating Violence Prevention Project shared on the Washington Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs website. “TDVAM brings national focus to the issue of teen dating violence, highlights the need to educate our youth about healthy relationships, raises awareness among those who care for them and provides communities with a critical opportunity to work together to prevent this devastating cycle of abuse.”
Teens don’t talk about ‘dating’ much anymore, yet more than half have sexual activity outside of a relationship, and it can start early. Over one-third of 11 and 12 year-olds say they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, and those who engage in early sexual activity are more likely to experience abuse.
Abuse is not only physical. The National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence pinpoints eight identifiers of teen violence:
1. Emotional abuse may look like mind games—using anger as a bluff to get their way, name calling and making false accusations, or putting the victim down and humiliating them--making them feel bad about themselves or feel guilty for things they didn’t say or do.
2. Using social status, which may look like the victim being treated like a servant, and the abuser acting like the ‘boss’ and making all the decisions and being the one to define gender roles.
3. Using intimidation by making someone afraid just by their facial expressions and actions, smashing and breaking things, abusing pets, displaying weapons.
4. Minimizing the abuse by not taking concerns about it seriously or denying the abuse ever happened, or blaming the other person by shifting responsibility by
saying the other person caused it
5. Threating to do something to hurt the victim, threatening suicide, or threatening to report the victim to the police, making the victim do illegal things.
6. Using sexual coercion by manipulating or making threats to get sex, getting her pregnant, threatening to take the children away, or getting someone drunk or drugged to get sex.
7. Isolation…by limiting or forcing exclusion from regular social activities, controlling who the victim contacts, controls what they read, using jealousy to justify actions
8. Using peer pressure by threatening to expose someone’s weakness or spread rumors, telling malicious lies about an individual to their peer group.
Whereas, in positive and healthy relationships:
You and your partner can trust each other.
You and your partner like each other for who you are.
You have a friendship and a physical attraction.
You treat each other the way you want to be treated and accept each other’s interests and opinions (you can agree to disagree).
You feel safe with each other, not only physically but also in your conversations.
You like each other’s friends and they are inclusive of your partner. You encourage friendships with others, apart from mutual friends.
You encourage each other’s activities and don’t feel threatened by time spent apart.
You can make decisions together.
You don’t have to protect your partner’s reputation or cover for each other’s mistakes.
There is a special hotline devoted to supporting teens called Love is Respect. You or your teen can reach out by calling 1-866-331-9474, or by texting LOVEIS to 22522, or chatting online at loveisrespect.org.
Resources, such as this, can help a concerned friend or parent develop three strategies to support someone experiencing an abusive dating relationship:
Question - “Do you have concerns about your relationship?”
Listen - Focus on their story, not your experiences. Ask how you can help.
Stay Connected - Be available and support them.
Other helpful resources include: A guide for Friends and Family with specific information on supporting teens can be downloaded at: https://wscadv.org/resources/friends-family-guide/ And no matter what month it is, It’s always a good idea to chat about love. Find more tools helpful Conversation Cards at https://wscadv.org/resources/love-like-this/
The hardest conversation to have is talking to someone about their abusive behavior. Simply saying, “Hey that’s not cool,” or “I don’t like how you are treating them,” acknowledges that what you’re seeing in someone’s relationship is not ok, or is abusive. This can be an incredibly powerful action. It may be that the abusive person doesn’t realize what they are doing or how it looks to others. There is help for them too. But, remember, never ever intervene if it is going to put you at risk.
You don’t have to be a victim to call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1−800−799−7233.
Local help is available by phone at Programs for Peaceful Living in the Goldendale office at 773-6100 or Bingen office at 493-2662. Office hours are 10-5 M-Th or Friday’s by appointment. If you are in crisis call the Toll Free 24/7 Crisis line, 844-493-1709. All services are free and confidential. Programs for Peaceful Living is a part of Washington Gorge Action Programs.
To show your awareness and support during Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, please wear orange on Fridays.
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Washington Gorge Action Programs (WAGAP) is a 501(c)(3) non-profit Community Action Agency that helps individuals, families, and communities. WAGAP addresses basic human needs, including food, shelter, energy assistance, and more, in Skamania and Klickitat Counties. For more than 50 years, WAGAP has helped people help themselves and reach self-sufficiency. Learn more at wagap.org, or contact WAGAP at (509) 493-2662 or info@wagap.org.